Both boys cried and told me how ashamed they were for still being so frightened. How when they played outside, if they heard a plane coming, they would hide around the corner, crouched down, so I wouldn't see them. They didn't want me to see them being cowards.
One warm early summers day, I was watching the boys play in the backyard, running happily through the sprinklers. As I made their lunches, I heard a plane coming overhead. I looked out and saw both boys crouched down, a mixture of shame and fear on their young faces. I realized that day, that my children were not going to recover from September 11th easily. As I watched, silent tears streaming down my face, their eyes never left the plane until it was totally out of sight.
After washing my face I called them in for lunch, and sat nearby while they ate. I asked them if they were still afraid of planes, and they both hung their heads and nodded yes. Through my tears, I asked them if they knew what a hero really was. Immediately they cited firefighters, soldiers, police officers and President Bush. I told them they were heroes too. That they struggled every day with fear and still went on doing what must be done. Both boys cried and told me how ashamed they were for still being so frightened. How when they played outside, if they heard a plane coming, they would hide around the corner, crouched down, so I wouldn't see them. They didn't want me to see them being cowards.
How that hurt. Childhood involves myriad little moments of fear and pain. But September 11th went so far beyond anything we have ever known, and our children are still suffering. Like children in Ireland, Afghanistan, Israel and Palestine, they now live with fear as a daily companion. Because our children were relatively innocent to the ugly realities others live with, they cannot truly grasp the why's of terrorism. Terrorism alerts act as sandpaper on still very raw wounds. And as a parent, I have no idea how to make it better.
We have to keep trying. Our children need to express their fears and pain in an honest and accepting environment. I heard a "dad" one day, when his 12 year old said he was afraid to go to the mall because it might get blown up, tell him to "straighten up and stop being such a baby." I saw the humiliation and shame on his face. Americans are used to "quick fixes" for their problems. There is never going to be a quick fix for September 11th or all the days since then.
Encourage them to talk through fears and feelings. Let them explain how they see the world right now. Don't promise them things will somehow magically be alright. Simply love them. We are only given today.
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