If you're now a part-time parent, you may be tempted to fill your kids' visits with big-ticket entertainment to assuage feelings of guilt and insecurity. But what do they really want from you?
By Gregory Reid
The non-custodial or part-time parent faces many challenges that aren't the norm in a dual-parent family. These hardly need itemizing; any of you can identify with the strains of not seeing your children for several days at a time, and then facing an almost overwhelming few days of intensive time with them, followed by days of missing them all over again.
But when you stop to think about it, single parenthood can also bring with it a number of possible advantages -- both to you and to your children. When parents split, kids may feel that they've "gained a parent" who previously seemed forever too busy to spend quality time with them. Many single dads we talked to agreed that they actually feel closer to their children now, and that they believe their children feel the same bond. Without the kids at home every day of the week, single parents feel more at ease in putting in extra hours at work, thereby relieving the stress of "falling behind," and therefore making it possible to dedicate 100% of their time with the children to the children.
The Disneyland parent
You likely feel some remorse at not seeing your kids often enough, so it's perfectly understandable that you feel and act upon the need to jam-pack their short visits with you into a do-it-all-non-stop entertainment extravaganza, otherwise known as the "Disneyland Dad Syndrome." DDS (or more rarely, but gender-equally, DMS) can strike even the most "I'll never spoil my children" parents, almost without warning. Of course DDS doesn't have to involve Disney per se; a new pony or dirtbike or any number of other big-ticket items will suffice. Still, I must admit that my own three kids will be quick to show you their Mickey-Mouse ears from our trip a couple of years ago (shortly after my separation) -- and I'll never spoil my kids!
The basics first
The dilemma is that, although your kids may insist that what they want most of all from you is , it's not likely what they'll remember in ten or twenty years. What they will remember is that you attended their school play, or read stories to them before tucking them in at night, or brought them to the doctor's office when they fell and scraped their knees. In short, it's all of the "real life" day-to-day living stuff that long-term childhood memories and warm feelings are made of -- not the expensive trip to you-know-where.
This isn't to say that offering gifts or interesting travel to your kids is necessarily a bad thing -- especially if these items can be honestly viewed as educational. If money, time, and your ex-spouse permit, you could plan a spring break in Mexico, for instance. Before the trip, spend time with your kids researching the history and culture of the place, as well as interesting things to do and see while you're there. You could also get an audio cassette offering "Spanish for Travelers" and make a game of learning a few words of a foreign language.
The experts agree, however, that the frill items shouldn't be your first priority in your new relationship with your children. Your first need is to establish an excellent rapport with them, and doing so is virtually impossible in a whirlwind entertainment weekend.
Kids really like to "just hang" with their parents, doing simple errands or assisting with dinner, feeling that they're helping out, chatting about important stuff and pure nonsense; feeling a bond with their dad and mom. "Your time and your emotional availability are most important to your child," says Gary Neuman, author of Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way (Times Books, 1998). "The Disney World trip can be a wonderful experience, but an hour with you at the local duck pond can bring the same delighted smiles. Of course, kids want and need to feel special. But does your child feel special at Disney World because he's one of millions of visitors or because you're there with him? Giving to our children of our time and ourselves makes being a parent a wondrous, enlightening experience."
Note: This article was first published in the Ontario Divorce Magazine and is reprinted here with their full permission.
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